In today's Salt Lake Tribune:
Dear Carolyn,Tomorrow night I'm going to see a few friends I haven't seen in a while. They're all married; I'm single. All of the wives are pregnant; I'm not. They're all making a lot of money and have successful careers. I'm not and don't. I've also been struggling to find a good job in a new field and have been battling serious depression.
What do I say when they ask how I'm doing? I know I can just say, "Good," and smile, but I'm worried I'm going to start crying because I feel so inferior to all of them. I could also just not go, but I do want to see a few of the people; they have been good friends in the past, and I don't want to get even more isolated than I am now.
How can I get through this? One of the people in the group is my ex-boyfriend, who I think is still angry that I didn't come to his wedding because I canceled at the last minute. I think I actually need a script so I don't act like a freak.
New York
Dear New York,No, no, no, scripted things always sound scripted. (As in, freaky.)
The tough part about gatherings like this is that they're just a snapshot. Life is a long, changeable, unpredictable thing, and the facts in place on any given day can say only so much about the whole.
You do make a good case that you'll look very different from the rest of the crowd in this particular snapshot. But I can also make a case that some of the pregnant women will feel uncomfortably huge, and some of the people with great careers may themselves be in your starting-over position a year from now. Someone else in this group might be battling depression, too, wondering why having "everything" doesn't feel like much at all.
Yes, sure, someone there might be a jerk to you, or ask you all the wrong questions, or respond in all the wrong ways. Still, there's nothing wrong with seeing yourself as someone they can identify with: You're single, you're trying a new career path at a difficult time, you're battling a health problem, and things are uncertain. That's not freaky, that's life.
2 comments:
I love the reply. What a good way of looking at life!
Great response. I didn't know the Trib had a Dear Abby(ish) section. My initial thought while reading the question was that the people with good careers probably wish they could be doing what they really love instead of what brings in the most money. They probably wish they didn't have to spend so much time at the office. The pregnant women are probably too busy thinking about how fat, ugly, and sick they feel to care about anyone else. Not to mention with their prego brain they won't remember what you do for a living or that you're single without kids anyway. The ex-boyfriend, screw him. They're all probably jealous that you didn't have to find a babysitter or argue with a spouse over whether he's going to come or not. I could go on and on. The grass is always greener on the other side. But she said it better than I could - guess I won't turn into Abby any time soon.
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